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Yes..my life has changed forever since those last posts. It's weird to read back on them now. My mom has passed away, and I have met the next most important person in my life. It's been surprise after surprise..and really all about God giving me a balance of the worst and the best....replacing the only person in the world who adored me and wanted to protect me...with someone who wants to do just that. And they were both gorgeous...Who'da thought...
Life...is definitely a rollercoaster....
In other news...I went to a coldplay concert!!feeling....:  indescribable |
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Soooo I feel like my life is about to change forever. My mom's scan results did not bring good news. Her cancer came back and it spread to her liver and bones. Her stomach might have also been affected. I feel so incredibly lost and helpless right now. I guess I thought I'd post because if this isn't a turning point in my life, what is? I think the plan in my mind now is to find a job here, study for the lsats, but stay with her here while all of this plays out. For the time being she feels well enough to work. And when I mentioned not going to portuguese school she got mad at me and said I couldn't pass up an opportunity like this, that my grandmother and aunts will take care of her for those two months, and that I can't really do anything here anyways cuz I'm not a professional nurse..and that she'll be fine until I get back. But yea, I'm going to have to come back and exist in this blasted city and I don't even want to mention the shock and sadness that came before this mentality. My mom..how to describe my realtionship with her?
I'm going to HAVE to do this. And deal. Maybe my life has been preparation for this all along...
UPDATE: THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED SINCE THEN THAT HAVE MADE ME HAPPY
Aurelie changing her facebook profile pic for the first time ever to one of us and saying she's fly here from France if she didn't have an internship.
Avery Leslie (telling me I'm the strongest person she knows) Diana Bitchface June
Talking to Lisa ALL night. It's like a weird karma give and take. Like god is saying: "here's something realllly bad. but! here's something really good.." it's very strangefeeling....:  crushed |
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that make you appreciate the easy times. The first week back was really hard. I honestly thought that my mom was on the way to dying. Her symptoms and what was happening to her resembled by uncle's soooo much. She had the same vacant look in her eyes too. It was really scary. But as I'm basking in things just being ok, not stable, but ok, and as I finally go back to watching tv etc...I keep seeing things that are bothering the heck outta me.
Speaking of easy...I was just flipping through channels..and ok, I had already heard about shows like the OC or the hills or whatever that tend to glorify being young and stupid and rich and just getting wasted all the time and having drama in your life come from nothing. (I'm starting to believe that some people make up drama and illness when they have all of their basic needs met and are just bored sometimes) and just now on the frekking Disney Channel there was that zach and cody show and Ahley Tisdale's character said to Brenda Song (?) "It takes a special person to be born rich" because Song's response to what she wanted to be when she grew up was an heiress. And Song smiles and says thank you!! and I'm just thinking...what kind of message are we giving kids. More importantly...little girls?!?! who DON'T understand the sarcasm and who might end up not really needing to do anything with their lives like the Hilton sisters. Why aren't we teaching girls to make something of themselves? to rise above all this easyness and not only do something for themselves but do somethig for other people. There are so many women out there who need help. On CNN today one of the "heros" the network had a segment on was a woman in Zimbabwe who opened a camp for girls that had been sexually abused. Why aren't we trying to help THEM more?!? We have it sooo easy, sexual abuse is something so serious and so pertinent to women everywhere. And this might seem unrelated, but the images I see on tv make me want to barf. Like people who spends thousands of dollars on their stupid spoiled dogs. I love animals more than the next jane goodall, I got this from my mother. But for the past week, I've been collecting the phone numbers of all of the organizations my mom gave money to, to call them and ask them to stop sending us mail because we can't afford to give to them anymore. And boy..there are quite a few orgs that rely solely on donation money and do so much good for animals. And I think..if people who had one or two spoiled dogs would stop dressing them up and getting them manicures and give that money to some organizations, that would be such a great help to animals everywhere...not just their one pet. Their great companions but they are just animals. They're so content just having water and food and someone to snuggle with. Why do they need outfits?
ok. HUGE rant, but I forget how sheltered we are in college, even from things we don't think we need sheltering from and even seek out. ha, and I'm so surprised I didn't rant about my family, and their mis-education about education. I used to think I had a very supportive family, but this visit back has proved to me very much otherwise. More importantly, it's made me feel less guilty about leaving them when I get out of this place.feeling....:  cynical |
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UGH I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING HOME. I find myself constantly defending gay rights, fighting against racism and combatting pure bigotry. MY FAMILY IS SO IGNORANT. What the fuck. It makes me so mad that they can sit here and pass judgement when they are perpetuating the discourse of those who pass judgement on us. It is this same discourse that has caused suffering in the world, the ignorant conglomoration of minds that dont understand, and hence believe and promote, what is reguritated by society. It's this same discourse that causes people to hate us, hispanics, making them think all we can do is clean houses, that we're all Mexican, categorizing us as inferiors. Why can't my family see that we're viewed the same way they are viewing others, and the acceptance of that kind of regard in societies will continue to keep us down?!!? I'm filled with tears of anger and pity. I hope this--my--generation will be able to change things. I wish people would stop getting together and fiding a target to hate simply because they're bored. I wish homosexual people weren't such a large target now. UGH.
people: EDUCATE YOURSELVES, LIVE AND LET LIVE, WORK FOR PEACE AND UNDERSTANDINGfeeling....:  pissed off |
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Whoa. Haven't written in forever. I'm at work right now but I just made a weird observation. My two best friends in the whole world: Poppy and Nerissa and even Raphael for that matter. Are people that I've never been drunk with. I've never had to be. We have such a good time without it. Slash...there's the issue of having to drive everywhere in Miami, but we sleep over each other's houses. What's up with everyone else always having to drink and be drunk when they're with their friends. I feel like you should want to remember the good times.
I'm so not in the mood to work.....
I wanna watch a movie.
I've been hanging out with Jacqui lately....she's super cool.
Sarah's mad because I didn't add her. ok bitchface you toofeeling....:  working |
| » Walls |
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Walls are there for a reason. I should know this. I thought I was more detached...but I think it's time to start laying down the bricks.
Oct. 16th, 2008 @ 05:45 pm
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| » In the Suite |
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woot suiteness.
gobble gobble. love reese's peanut butter puffs gobble.
I heart heart heart Veronica Mars.
Currently sitting in the suite watching it, tired, sleepy. I actually spent the day doing work, and I went up to flatbread for the first time. I have to go read now. I miss people. A particular person. 3 weeks.
I hate the new facebook.
Sep. 20th, 2008 @ 11:35 pm
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| » Jalousie |
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I should write this journal entry in French but I'm a lazy-ass bitchface as Sarah would say. I love my suite. Sarah is ridiculous. Things are good and distracting.
I feel compelled to write because something has put me in a weird funk. I feel like someone I care about did something to impress someone that they shouldn't want to impress. Not that I should be the person to impress, but when people go through life-changing things together I feel like they're bonding experiences of the unforgettable kind. I dunno. It actually is really hurting me I've realized. I feel really sad about it, more than I thought I would and maybe more than I should.
hm.
Si de aqui saliera petroleo....
Sep. 13th, 2008 @ 08:20 pm
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| » one more week |
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My significant other is very demanding...haha you totally asked for it.
alright! Five more days of hell and then I am so out. I have that HSF Banquet on the 19th, and I leave for Boston the next day. Three days at Midd, and then DC again. I'm so excited. What's even better, is that I didn't think that I'd see Poppy at all this summer, but she came home early!! She leaves very soon tho, but at least I'm getting to see her. I'm also catching up with Nik and stuff, and that's always good.
pics:
 
Work was really hard on friday. And if anything, I've realized that I NEED to find something I'll enjoy doing everyday, where I can work FOR something, where I feel like I'm doing something for the world, or other people...that has nothing to do with looking for checks.
Also, I have to stop being so stubborn.
There are family troubles that I wish I didn't have to deal with right now. And that I feel are completely out of my control. I don't like that feeling.
Si's band is amazing!!!
Aug. 9th, 2008 @ 01:27 pm
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| » bah, don't want to be backkkk |
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I love Lisa and her cake in a purse!!
I loved DC. i loved being around midd kids. I loved being around one in particular, she..is fun. And it's weird how my feelings for her have evolved. I miss just being able to talk to someone openly and honestly. I saw Arlington Cemetery and the Washington monument, and the Lincoln memorial and the WWII memorial and everything was just gorgeous.
laters
Jul. 30th, 2008 @ 11:27 pm
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| » In DC |
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hELLoooo all of Loren's livejournal reading peopless!! I am in DC, and it's a greaaat city. At the moment, I'm wacthing the L word and waiting for Kolbe to get out of the shower. Lisa slept over Kolbe's last night and we had a late-night dance party. Quite amazing. Lisa, the insider, too kme on a tour of the congressional building and the capitol yesterday. It was amazing!! I went ot my congresswoman's office. And we walked everywhere. It was exhausting. Today I think we're going to Arlington cemetery, the Licoln memorial etc. I wish I lived here. I think I'm going back to Midd early. I can't stand my job anymomre. I thought I had adapted, but I was wrong. I'll try to keep updated about that too. I'll add some pics here as well. ALTHOUGH, I'm very discouraged about keeping this thing up to date, as apparently, one of my readers, Katie Fisher!!! doesn't like it. She won't tell me, but I can tell. :p
I'm also translating this Harry Potter website into french!! Check it out peoples.
It's www.veritaserum.com and click on the french flag. Or go here: http://veritaserum.com/?L=4
sad because I can't get the tradmill here to work :(
Jul. 26th, 2008 @ 01:30 pm
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| » An American in Paris |
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I'd rather be an American in Paris than an American in Miami. -sigh-. It's true that we are creatures of habit. I believe my body and mind have adjusted themselves to the hell that is my job. I read when I can't stand the people around me anymore. And the time has seemed to go by faster. OH MY GOD Gene Kelly was talented. Along with all of the other people who actually acted back then. Real talent. Unlike the shit-shows that are our celebrities today. What ever happened to earning that respect? Actually having talent?
Ok, weird rant. Anyways...writing this post for another friend who requested it, whom I am going to go visit in DC in two weeks! woot. Things got better between my mother and I because I swallowed my pride and just...let them get better. I put myself in her shoes and understand where her emotions are coming from, but there are two problems. One, I believe she goes about expressing them in the wrong way. and two, they vehemently clash with mine.
So far, hanging out with Rissa and Jonathan has saved me. Especially Rissa, I forgot how well we got along, and I suppose it was silly of me to think she didn't accept certain things about me. Her cliques have just always seemed so hard to break into. But I guess she and I were a click unto ourselves. I know it makes her feel bad when I talk about Midd so much but I'm really gonna miss her when I leave.
I had a lot more to say, but I've put off posting for too long. I talked to Fish on the phone the other day. I swear, every time I talk to this person on the phone I feel like a damn fool. Something always appears to distract me. Or, there's a delay and we interrupt each other and it's awkward, or I have so many things on my mind that I make no sense. I'm always left with a weird emptiness afterward. But it's so nice to still have contact with Midd kids...especially those that I have certain important things in common with.
Jul. 10th, 2008 @ 08:39 pm
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| » WHY HAS EVERYONE REPRODUCED? |
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I think it's easier for me to believe that people want nothing to do with me than to believe that they actually care about me. It's sad, really. So much insecurity.
So, Ramon came down from Washington because of Pablito's death. It was great having him around, but also unnerving. The beach at night was amazing, even if things were lost... and sometimes I forget how much history I have with people. Sammie is so big, and both our moms commented how I can't carry my son anymore because he's too big. We went to the movies twice yesterday. The second time at Midnight because no one had celebrated Ashley's brother's birthday, and Ramon is so much like my uncle and chief that he made us all get dressed and do whatever the kid wanted.
But going to movieco with Jocy and Amy and such was such a big slap in the face. Just the car ride and such. Jocy is pregnant again. And Ramon's wife wouldn't stop calling. HIS WIFE. she'd put THEIR DAUGHTER on to talk to him. What's weird is that listening to them talk, one would think that they're still in high school. I guess they might as well be. But like...I dunno it's strange to see people who are not grown up yet have to act like it. Why has everyone around me reproduced?!!?!? I really truly feel left out. Like I don't fit in because I'm not going through the things they are. I don't have the same worries or triumphs. They're also dealing with buying houses and making money and getting benefits...it's nuts. My world is Midd, and a wonderful world it is. But they don't understand that. They politely ask about it but I know they don't care or get it. Then the stuff they talk about...is so...seems so, insignificant--and usually vulgar.
I hear myself changing the way I talk when I'm around them too. I fall straight back into the ghetto. My tone changes, grammar and conjugation goes out the window. I don't know why. It's always destabilizing. I almost feel fake.
Jun. 29th, 2008 @ 04:17 pm
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| » GIVING UP |
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SO apparently. Friendship means nothing to no one.
And even the people you thought were genuine, aren't. And they all suck, and are only interested in making themselves happy. And compassion seems to have disappeared.
What the f.
I feel torn between two worlds.
Please don't pretend that you tried to keep in touch when you really didn't. It's all too fake.
This summer's mantra: "oh your baby is how old?"
And I've just discovered that perhaps all of those revelations I had in high school were correct. That and, the whole "look out for number one" philosophy.
Jun. 26th, 2008 @ 11:50 pm
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| » At the request.... |
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At the request of a dear friend, I shall post. Yay. I've actually not posted, because life has just been too complicated lately and I don't want to wine about it on the internet. I actually wrote a private post, some of which I will share right now : haha, I just reread it and realized I can't share it because it has things about me...I can't share with people. THAT has been the story of my life here in Miami.
I also spent the whole day crying yesterday, because a series of events sparked how sometimes I feel like I should have just done what my family wanted me to do, become an RN. I'd already be working, and they'd actually be proud of me. I feel like I should have just sucked it all up, and not have been selfish and gone to Midd. This was sparked by the fact that the "administrative" position my mother supposedly got for me at her job and that I turned down a camp counselor position in Maine for, was actually non-existent. I wrote about this yesterday, and I think I can actually share:
I don’t understand my mother most of the time. Beverlyn just called, to tell me that my mom was looking for a job for me and that there weren’t any but that their receptionist, who was pregnant, just went into labor. So I can start as a receptionist as soon as I’m available. Administrative position my ass. What the hell. She never looks out as to what’s my best interest, she only cares about what will make her happy most of the time. How I can keep her company. It didn’t’ matter to her that as a camp counselor in Maine, I’d be outdoors, where I'm happy. It would also look better on a resume that I worked with children. That would have helped me so much for teach for America. How depressing. Must find a good side to this must find a good side to this….I’ll probably have the chance to read the whole time. However. I think up to now, there are only two shifts: one that would require me to be there at 7AM. And then there’s the night shift. I’m not sure when that starts, or more importantly, when that ends. –Sigh-
So lately, my life has been just this ongoing weird relationship with my mother, and a new quest to become independent yet try to retain a good relationship with her. It's been Tense...just tense.
I got my ears pierced a few days ago...and I don't believe she's noticed.
On a happier note, Si being here has been great. Rissa and I have taken him to the beach. I hope he's had a good time. Some pics! Woot.
He leaves tomorrow morning and the misery begins tomorrow afternoon.
I am glad, though, that I've been hanging out with Rissa and other high school friends that are NOT jerks...they still rock my socks.
Minutes after posting this, my family came over, and attacked me. My uncle preceding to tell me that whatever job I got in Maine, I hadn't seen the references of the person, and did I know how many times people fake job postings and stuff like that to rape and kidnap people, and did I hear the stories of these things happening in Nicaragua. After trying and failing to bring some sort of sense to that conversation explaining that this camp was firstly, a camp, and accredited institution, that I had spoken to people who work there etc. Then, I said "are you kidding me? You're being ridiculous. I can't listen to anymore nonsense..." and left.
wtf
Jun. 22nd, 2008 @ 01:56 pm
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| » Few Observations |
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Ok, things are better...I kind of just, AM. here, alive, whatever.
I love the Juno soundtrack, lol, so good. Anyway...My relationship with my mother is so weird. We are sooo different, but I've been making the effort to just be what she wants me to be and how she wants me to be. When I do this, I see the side of her that I care about so much. We got into this huge fight a while ago, where she did something completely incomprehensible. I always think that her brain tumor and all the medication she used to be on permanently messed with her head.
I keep waking up really late (which I'm sure is due to the heat here) and with headaches. The headaches have to be because of my eye. They feel like they are.
Can I just say that I hate flaky people who tell you they're going to be somewhere or do something and don't do it? I also really don't understand people who never want to work.
I saw the Kite Runner the other day, which reminded me of how naturally horrid, perverse and cruel some people can be. Men..I swear to God, disgust me beyond belief in how little self-control they posses. No discipline.
The movie, did, however, demonstrate that there are people who are naturally amazing friends. I hope I'm one of those people. Although, they tend to get stepped on, as shown by the movie/book.
One of my grandmother's friends who was there for all my important birthdays and such passed away. I went to the wake yesterday. I feel like it's that time...to start going to a lot of those. I was telling Kolbe yesterday that after my uncle died, I felt shocked. And then when my mom got cancer last summer, there was a point when I thought that she as going to die. I started preparing myself to drop out of Midd and look for a job. It was the scariest thing I've ever gone through.
Anywaysssss. I'm trying to find the right html codes to put this banner up:
Cuz it's so nice and people rock.
I'm going to try to get Archery I Certification.
For Si and Rosi: We won't stop until somebody calls the cops, and even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened!
Jun. 10th, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
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| » Back in Miami |
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I'm back in the city where the heat is on all night on the beach til the break of dawn.
I want out.
Been feeling.....a crazy-ass mix of emotions. People are being soooo weird and close minded. I miss Midd Kids.
Nothin but drama thrown at me since I've been here. High School friends are acting as if they never left. And I feel like everyone is judging me. Leave me alone. Jeez.
LMAO I just heard a commercial that said "This is America. Do we let the sun just shine or the wind just blow? No, we put them to work."
Gotta love Bank of America.
I feel like the sun is trying to EAT ME.
I do, however, love how BLUE my room is. It' mellows me out.
Also. I need to become independent from my mother. RIGHT NOW.
Jun. 4th, 2008 @ 06:43 pm
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| » Middlebury |
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I'm back. It's quite glorious.
It's more than glorious.
I love people here.
I'm staying for another year.
I like nice people. And they like me. And they are not french.
I still have a paper to write and I feel sick.
May. 17th, 2008 @ 12:29 am
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| » Lay off the coffee, and the Kafka and the coffee... |
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...lay off the means to the end, and mean what you say more often....
What the hell is going on between China and Africa? I have a 2 and a half hour test about it tomorrow.
I got back from Bommes yesterday, I'm going to miss it.
relationships suck
life does not function the way it does on t.v. ....things never fall into order conveniently, you miss out when choices are made....
It's four years after high school already...can the drama finally peace out?
Anti-americanism can even be found amongst friends and admirers.
Did I say relationships suck? I mean people suck.
May. 5th, 2008 @ 07:21 pm
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| » Favorites |
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So this blog is in the favorites of one Simon James Rutherford. If my talks with Catherine filled me with hope in humanity, Si confirms that hope. I'm not sure if I've written about him before, but he does nothing but bring happiness and comfort. I'm not sure how he became it, but he's just one of those people...I know I can probably always call on him no matter where I am or what I need, he'll never judge me, he's cool down to the bone, I was meant to meet him, and life's just SWEET with him in it.
If he asked me to marry him, I'd probably say yes, and ignore my usual orientation.
p.s. his photo album is in MY favorites so there.
Apr. 22nd, 2008 @ 12:50 pm
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onewickedgirl's journal